your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
