david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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