No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
