i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
