He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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