yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize