I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
