By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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