why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
