I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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