Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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