At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
