I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
