I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
