i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize