if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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