my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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