My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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