Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
