WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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