I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
