Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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