so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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