Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
