There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
