i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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