I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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