I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
