there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
