Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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