i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
