i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Come see our sink grown plant.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
