I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I need to stop coming to work sober
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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