I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
