I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
