New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
