Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
