I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
