I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
As shirtless as possible
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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