Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
