If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
