The maid of honor just puked.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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