so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
