I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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