Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
