How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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