Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
