Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
