Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize