And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
