spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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