we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
