I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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