I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
