i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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