All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
