i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
