Swine flu is the new snow day.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
