I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
