I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
