My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize