i just sent this text using only my big toe
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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