am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize