I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
