So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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