it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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