god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
